Μικρές, πικρές, προσωπικές αλήθειες για τα baby blues

 

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Spells and charms sent all the way from Greece for the kid. #evileye #mati #talisman #nazar #babygift

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Δε μπορώ να πω ότι δε με είχαν ειδοποιήσει. Η μαία το είπε, ο γιατρός το είπε, η δασκάλα στα μαθήματα που κάναμε το είπε, 80% όλων των γυναικών θα πάθουν baby blues μετά τη γέννα. Και φυσικά ως ενήλικος άνθρωπος που έχει φτάσει σχεδόν τα 40 καταφέρνοντας να φέρει βόλτα ζωή, καριέρα, σχέσεις και δυσκολίες η σκέψη μου ήταν “ναι καλά, σιγά μην πάθω και δάκο”. Βέβαια αν με έχει διδάξει κάτι η εμπειρία μου μέχρι σήμερα είναι ότι έτσι και κοροιδέψω κάτι το λούζομαι – γιατί λοιπόν αυτή η περίπτωση να αποτελέσει εξαίρεση;

Η ανάρτηση μας λοιπόν σήμερα είναι προσωπική και ειλικρινής και δυσκολεύτηκα πάρα πάρα πολύ να τη γράψω. Σκεφτόμουν στην αρχή ότι “πρέπει” να κρύψω τα baby blues που πέρασα αλλά τελικά αποφάσισα ότι το ταμπού που επικρατεί και η καλπάζουσα χαζοχαρούμενη θετική εικόνα της λοχείας ΚΑΝΟΥΝ ΜΟΝΟ ΚΑΚΟ. Και ένα πράγμα που με βοήθησε εμένα ήταν ότι γυναίκες γύρω μου παραδέχτηκαν (ψιθυριστά πάντα, ε!) ότι το είχαν περάσει κι εκείνες. Αν λοιπόν διαβάζεις και περνάς κι εσύ δύσκολα – ΔΕΝ ΕΙΣΑΙ Η ΜΟΝΗ.

Πώς ξεκίνησε η φάση; Δεν είμαι πολύ σίγουρη. Πάντως, δυο – τρεις μέρες αφού είχαμε επιστρέψει σπίτι, το μωρό ήταν κάτω με τη μαμά Δέσποινα και τον Αντώνη, κι εγώ πάνω δήθεν μου για να κοιμηθώ για μεσημέρι. Αντί να κοιμάμαι έκλεινα τα μάτια μου σφιχτά κι έτρεμα ΚΥΡΙΟΛΕΚΤΙΚΑ από τον πανικό μου γιατί

  • δεν ήξερα τι να κάνω με το παιδί,
  • σκεφτόμουν ότι θα μου πέσει και θα γίνει σαν το Sloth από τα Goonies,
  • έτρεμα τον επόμενο θηλασμό,
  • πονούσε η γαμωτομή, με έπιανε ρίγος ή έριχνα κουβάδες ιδρώτα
  • μου περνούσαν εφιαλτικά σενάρια από το μυαλό – για παράδειγμα αν υπάρχει περίπτωση να χάσω την ψυχραιμία μου με το παιδί
  • και σκεφτόμουν χωρίς σταματημό ότι από εδώ και πέρα ΚΑΙ ΜΕΧΡΙ ΝΑ ΠΕΘΑΝΩ θα ασχολούμαι μόνο με αυτό και ΜΗΠΩΣ ΔΕΝ ΤΟ ΣΚΕΦΤΗΚΑΜΕ ΚΑΛΑ ΤΟ ΝΑ ΚΑΝΟΥΜΕ ΠΑΙΔΙ;

Ένα παιδί που θέλαμε, περιμέναμε, σχεδιάσαμε και πλέον μετά από εκείνες τις αποφράδες μέρες εγώ το κοιτάω και λιώνω και δεν μπορώ να πιστέψω ότι είμαι τόσο τυχερή που κάναμε ένα τόσο υπέροχο πλάσμα – μεταξύ μας βέβαια γιατί φυλάγομαι κι όλας μη γίνω ξαφνικά μανούλα του facebook.

Οι διάφοροι γνωρίζοντες σου λένε ότι φταίνε οι ορμόνες για τα baby blues. Οι ίδιες που σε κρατούσαν χαζοχαρούμενη σαν την Κάντυ Κάντυ κατά τη διάρκεια της εγκυμοσύνης φεύγουν απότομα και μένεις εσύ σαν τον Λεονάρντο ντι Κάπριο στο The Wolf of Wall Street αφού πέρναγε η επίδραση των ναρκωτικών και ανακάλυπτε ότι είχε τρακάρει την αμαξάρα το προηγούμενο βράδυ και δε θυμόταν τίποτα.

Εγώ βέβαια ως ενήλικος άνθρωπος με ψυχολογία απουσιολόγου και τιτανοτεράστιο control freak το βίωσα ακόμα πιο βαριά – γιατί μεγαλύτερη απώλεια ελέγχου από το να κάνεις παιδί δε μπορώ να σκεφτώ ή τουλάχιστον δεν έχω ζήσει μέχρι τώρα. Δεν υπάρχει “μην κλαις παιδί μου, έχουμε ακόμα δύο ώρες για να φας”. Θα κλάψει, θα πλαντάξει, θα κοκκινήσει σαν τον Πέπε κι εσύ θα παρακαλάς όλους τους θεούς που δεν πιστεύεις να πάρει ανάσα – αλλά εκείνο χέστηκε που εσύ διάβασες στο έγκυρο βιβλίο σου ότι θα πρέπει να τρώει ανα Χ ώρες, αδιαφορεί που εσύ σέρνεσαι από την αυπνία, δεν το κόφτει που οι ρόγες σου πονάνε συνέχεια αυτό θέλει να φάει ΤΩΡΑ.

Θα μου πεις, τι, δεν τα ήξερες αυτά πριν; Δεν έχω γνωρίσει κάποια γυναίκα μέχρι σήμερα που όταν έφερε το παιδί στο σπίτι δεν της έκανε εντύπωση τίποτα, εκτός αν είχε ήδη άλλο παιδί. Όλες ανεξαιρέτως οι γυναίκες που ρώτησα πέρασαν μεγάλο σοκ με το πόσο ασταμάτητη και ολοκληρωτική είναι η ενασχόληση με το παιδί στην αρχή που αυτό είναι ακόμα σοκαρισμένο από τη γέννα και εσύ εντελώς άσχετη. Ναι στα είπαν. Ναι τα διάβασες. Ναι τα φαντάστηκες. Δυστυχώς όμως. τα ξέρεις στη θεωρία αλλά στην πράξη είναι αλλιώς.

Το άλλο που με χτύπησε πολύ άσχημα – και είναι το μόνο που δεν έχω ξεπεράσει ακόμα – είναι η πλήρης και άξαφνη γνώση της θνησιμότητας μου και των ανθρώπων γύρω μου. Δηλαδή ενώ θεωρητικά πριν το παιδί ήξερα ότι μπορεί να αρρωστήσουμε ή και να πεθάνουμε, με το που κράτησα το παιδί στα χέρια μου αυτό ήταν. Κατάλαβα πόσο χρονών είμαι (μεγάλη), πόσο εύκολο είναι να πάθω κάτι σοβαρό – και πόσο αναπόφευκτος και κοντινός είναι ο θάνατος. Κι αυτά όχι μόνο για μένα αλλά και για όλους τους κοντινούς μου ανθρώπους. Καθόμουν στο κρεβάτι λοιπόν και ξεδιπλώνονταν ιστορίες – ότι παθαίνω κάποιο ατύχημα, ότι γίνεται κάποια τρομοκρατική επίθεση στο μετρό την ώρα που ο Αντώνης πάει στη δουλειά, ότι παθαίνω κάποια σοβαρή ασθένεια, γενικά είδα όλα τα πιθανά σενάρια ταινιών με τον Ξανθόπουλο και τη Μάρθα Βούρτση στο μυαλό μου.

Πέρα από όλα αυτά τα ευχάριστα, έπαθα και το άλλο κοκομπλόκο, είχα συνέχεια στο μυαλό μου ότι από την απελπισία μου θα κάνω καμιά ζημιά στο παιδί. Σε σημείο που ζήτησα από τον Αντώνη και τη μαμά Δέσποινα ΝΑ ΜΕ ΠΑΡΑΚΟΛΟΥΘΟΥΝ ΜΕ ΒΑΡΔΙΕΣ ΣΑΝ ΤΟΝ ΑΡΤΕΜΗ ΜΑΤΣΑ μπας και ξερωγω το ταρακουνήσω ή τίποτα τέτοιο. Αυτό που γράφω τώρα, τουλάχιστον δύο γυναίκες που ρώτησα μου ομολόγησαν ψιθυριστά και έντρομες ότι σκέφτονταν το ίδιο όταν είχαν baby blues. Γιατί ψιθυριστά; Γιατί προφανώς ούτε θέλεις να θυμάσαι ούτε θέλεις να παραδέχεσαι ότι είχες το φόβο (ούτε καν τη σκέψη, το φόβο μόνο) ότι μπορεί να κάνεις κάτι στο παιδί.

Ο Αντώνης βέβαια όπως έχουμε πει αξίζει το βάρος του σε χρυσό. Αφού μου υποσχέθηκε στην αγάπη μας και το στεφάνι μας ότι θα με πάει σηκωτή στο γιατρό αν θεωρήσει ότι το baby blues μου γυρνάει σε κανονική επιλόχεια κατάθλιψη ή ακόμα χειρότερα σε ψύχωση, μου έκανε την εξής ερώτηση: “Θέλεις να είσαι μακριά από το παιδί;” – στην οποία η μόνη απάντηση ήταν “Όχι” και αυτό με βοήθησε να δω ότι δεν είμαι τόσο σοβαρά και πρέπει να κάνω λίγο υπομονή – καθώς οι γιατροί σου λένε ότι στην κατάθλιψη αρχίζεις να μη θες το παιδί – ιδού και το άρθρο του NHS που πρέπει να διάβασα 100 φορές.

Είναι σημαντικό να σημειώσω εδώ ότι το ταμπού με το να συζητάμε τα baby blues το κατανοώ τώρα που τα γράφω αυτά. ΕΝΩ ΞΕΡΩ ΟΤΙ ΔΕΝ ΕΙΝΑΙ ΕΤΣΙ – ανησυχώ ότι θα με κακοχαρακτηρίσουν, ότι θα παρεξηγήσουν αυτό που γράφω, ότι θα φωνάξουν την πρόνοια, ότι θα γίνω σαν την Polly στο Peaky Blinders, θα μου πάρουν το παιδί, θα τρέχω στις τσιγγάνες να δω αν ζει και τέτοια. Όσο κι αν σου λένε οι γιατροί κι οι μαίες ότι τα baby blues είναι κάτι πολύ φυσιολογικό και καθόλου σπάνιο σε πιάνουν εντελώς αιφνιδιαστικά. Τίποτα δε μπορεί να σε προετοιμάσει για την πλήρη ανημποριά και τον καθαρό παραλογισμό της κατάστασης.

Και δεν είμαι μόνη. Ιδού μερικοί τρόποι που χτύπησαν τα baby blues γυναίκες γύρω μου:

  • Μετά από τραυματική γέννα να μην μπορείς να αγγίξεις το μωρό γιατί φοβάσαι και θυμάσαι όσα πέρασες
  • Να κλαις κάθε πρωί από τον τρόμο ότι δεν θα τα καταφέρεις και να είσαι μια χαρά μέχρι το απόγευμα.
  • Να μη θες να μένεις μόνη σου ούτε λεπτό κι όμως όταν είναι κόσμος κοντά σου να αισθάνεσαι ακόμα χειρότερα.
  • Να σκέφτεσαι ότι μπορεί να κάνεις κάτι κακό όχι μόνο στο παιδί αλλά και στον εαυτό σου.
  • Να κλαις ασταμάτητα χωρίς να ξέρεις γιατί
  • Να αισθάνεσαι αποτυχημένη επειδή δε μπορείς να θηλάσεις
  • Να πιστεύεις ότι έχεις ήδη βλάψει το παιδί σου επειδή δεν θηλάζει το ίδιο και να μην ξέρεις τι να κάνεις

Σου περνάει;

Ενώ εν μέσω των baby blues νόμιζα ότι δε θα μου περάσει ποτέ, ουσιαστικά κάθε μέρα από ένα σημείο κι έπειτα ήμουν καλύτερα. Σιγά σιγά, με κάθε θηλασμό, με κάθε καινούρια πάνα, με κάθε συζήτηση με τη μαία τα πράγματα γίνονταν καλύτερα μέχρι που σήμερα ενώ θυμάμαι τί αισθάνθηκα, δε μπορώ να το αισθανθώ πια. Το θυμάμαι λογικά ας πούμε, όχι ουσιαστικά.

Εμένα μου πέρασε. Έχω τις δύσκολες στιγμές μου βέβαια αλλά ανήκω σε μια ελίτ από τυχερές γυναίκες που είχα πολύ υποστήριξη και πολύ καλές συνθήκες γύρω τους. Σκέφτομαι όλες εκείνες τις γυναίκες που δεν τους πέρασε, ή που τους γύρισε σε κάτι πιο δύσκολο, πιο μακροχρόνιο και πιο επικίνδυνο για την υγεία τους. Μήπως πέρασαν δύσκολες μέρες μόνες, χωρίς να έχουν κάποιον δίπλα τους να τους πει “το έζησα κι εγώ”; Εμένα με βοήθησε πολύ να το ακούσω αυτό. Αν ακούσεις κάποια γυναίκα που ξέρεις να περνάει δύσκολα να της πεις ότι το έζησα κι εγώ, κι οι φίλες μου, κι οι γυναίκες γύρω μου και να της υποσχεθείς ότι περνάει, ότι τα πάει καλά κι ότι είμαστε εδώ για εκείνη.

4,798 σκέψεις σχετικά με το “Μικρές, πικρές, προσωπικές αλήθειες για τα baby blues”

  1. Να έχεις το παιδι 20/24 στο βυζί και να χάνει βάρος. Και να αναρωτιέσαι αν το σκοτώνεις σιγα σιγά. Και να δίνεις ξένο και να έχεις τύψεις. Και να νιώθεις αποτυχημένη που ενω 9 μηνες το μεγαλωνες τωρα δεν μπορείς. Και μετά να σου λέει ο άντρας “Πσο δυνατή εισαι που το παλεύεις για τον μικρό” και να σου φευγουν όλα τα σύννεφα και μετά όλα καλά.
    Και μετά (ήμουν απο τις τυχερές που γύρισα στην δουλειά οταν χρόνισε), έναν χρονο να ασχολείσαι αποκλειστικά με το παιδί και όσο ελεύθερο χρόνο είχα τελείωσα ενα distance master degrεε (παρτα ηλίθια, ο αντρας έπαιρνε το παιδι βόλτα ανάμεσα στους θηλασμούς να ηρεμήσεις και εσύ διάλεξες να τελειώσεις το μαστερ). Και μετά το πρωι το παιδι μόνη, και το απόγευμα δουλειά – πάντα αντίθετα ωράρια με τον άντρα – μην και βρεθούμε παραπάνω απο 20λεπτο σπίτι – μην και κάποιος ξεκουραστεί λίγο – και φυσικά με οποιαδήποτε βοήθεια μακριά.
    Bottom line: Ξέρετε ποτε ένιωσα άνθρωπος? Πότε ενιωσα ξανα ο εαυτός μου? Όταν πηγε σχολείο παιδικό. Όταν είχα μια ώρα για μένα ΚΑΙ ΜΟΝΟ.

    1. Αυτά να λέγονται – ευχαριστώ που τα σημείωσες. Γιατί παίζει και το “τι; δεν είναι όλη σου η ζωή κι ευτυχία το παιδί; Δε θες να το βλέπεις 24/7;” – που είναι άλλη μεγάλη μανούρα, φαντάζομαι ειδικά όταν επιστρέφεις στη δουλειά σου. Σε φιλώ.

  2. το καλο ειναι ότι περνάει μετά από 1-1,5 μήνα, ίσως από εκει έλκει την καταγωγή το γνωστό “σαράντισμα”. ΚΟΥΡΑΓΙΟ και φιλάκια. Πανικο δεν ειχα, αλλά τα ματια μου ητανε σαν βρυσες, τρέχανε συνεχεια χωρις λογο και αυτο συνεβη μοναχα στο 1ο μωρό! στο 2ο ειχα ανοσια!!
    Ενα τρικάκι που σκεφτηκα ήταν “αν ειναι να ζήσει θα ζήσει”, δάγκωνα συνέχεια το μυαλό μου να διώχνει τα μακάβρια και, μετά απο αυτό, απλώς το παρακολουθούσα να μεγαλώνει και το εύρισκα διασκεδαστικό: αυτα μετα τον 1ο μηνα και κάτι και με τη μάνα μου να επιμένει να μας φωτογραφίζει!
    Επίσης, μεγάλη απογοήτευση ένιωσα με την αλλαγή του σώματος: πίστευα ότι γεννώντας θα ξαναβρισκόμουν απότομα στα (προηγούμενα) κιλά μου. Κανείς δεν με είχε προειδοποιήσει ότι τα 6 κιλά που είχα πάρει θα παραμέναν σχεδόν τα ίδια + το φούσκωμα. Ευτυχως ο μπαμπάς τους με στήριζε, ιδίως απέναντι σε λοιπούς συγγενείς/γυναίκες που είχανε ξεχάσει καθοως φαινεται τα δικά τους. Αυτά και ξαναΚΟΥΡΑΓΙΟ.

  3. “και σκεφτόμουν χωρίς σταματημό ότι από εδώ και πέρα ΚΑΙ ΜΕΧΡΙ ΝΑ ΠΕΘΑΝΩ θα ασχολούμαι μόνο με αυτό και ΜΗΠΩΣ ΔΕΝ ΤΟ ΣΚΕΦΤΗΚΑΜΕ ΚΑΛΑ ΤΟ ΝΑ ΚΑΝΟΥΜΕ ΠΑΙΔΙ;” Πόσο to the point! Απ’όλα όσα περιγράφεις, μάλλον ήμουν στο τυχερό 20% που δεν βίωσα baby blues αλλά αυτή η τρομακτική αίσθηση ευθύνης που νιώθεις και το αίσθημα του “αυτό ηταν’ δεν μπορείς να κάνεις πίσω το καταλαβαίνω απόλυτα. Αλλά είναι τα άτιμα προγραμματισμένα να είναι τόσο cute που να’ναι τώρα να περιμένω το δεύτερο 😂

    1. Χα χα χα – ε ναι, κάποια στιγμή συνειδητοποιείς τι γίνεται, προφανώς. Αλλά αυτές οι πρώτες μέρες μπορούν να είναι πολύ δύσκολες.

  4. Εγω δεν τολμώ να σχολιάσω,ως ανήρ, αλλά βλέποντας τη μανούλα δίπλα μου τι περνάει, προσκυνώ και σας αγαπώ όλες. (ΟΚ τη δικιά μου περισσότερο). Χαζομπαμπας προφήτουλας

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  82. Hmm it seems like your website ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to the whole thing. Do you have any tips and hints for beginner blog writers? I’d really appreciate it.

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