Μερεμετάκια vol. I

Σήμερα ήταν μέρα για blog post παιδιά αλλά επειδή για να το ανοίξω το παλιό ρημάδι θέλει και κανα δεκάωρο ξεκαθάρισμα, θα σας τα πω εδώ, να θυμηθούμε τα παλιά σουξε και να καταρρίπτουμε όσο μπορούμε τους μύθους της Αγίας Εγκυμοσύνης (βοήθεια μας).

Όπως όλοι οι άνθρωποι που περιμένουν παιδί έχουμε μπει κι εμείς στην ψυχασθένεια της προετοιμασίας. Εγώ που έχω ψυχολογία απουσιολόγου (ως γνωστόν) έχω διαβάσει πέντε βιβλία ήδη και ο Αντώνης έχει αναλύσει κάθε βίδα και σασμάν (αλήθεια έχουν σασμάν;) από τα καροτσάκια και τα καθισματάκια αυτοκινήτου.

Πέρα από το καταναλωτικό όργιο το οποίο κρατιόμαστε με νύχια και με δόντια να αποφύγουμε (αχ αγάπη μου κοίτα αυτό το μικροσκοπικό ζιπουνάκι που θα φορέσει το παιδί περίπου δύο ώρες, δεν είναι ωραίο, ας φάμε λεφτάκια μας σε άχρηστα πράγματα), έχουμε μπει και σε ένα πανηγύρι από μερεμέτια στο σπίτι. Ό,τι δουλειά υπήρχε και κάναμε ότι δε βλέπαμε θα την κάνουμε τώρα, λες και το βρέφος είναι η πεθερά που θα έρθει να ελέγξει αν είμαστε καλές νοικοκυρές. Να βάψουμε, να φτιάξουμε, να βιδώσουμε, να ξεβιδώσουμε, γενικά να γίνονται πραγματάκια.

Οι σημερινές δουλίτσες ήταν να βάλουμε το καρεκλάκι στο αμάξι για δοκιμή (εκεί χρειαστήκαμε ό,τι ξέραμε και δεν ξέραμε από πειραματική φυσική και κβάντα) και να βγάλουμε τη γυάλινη πόρτα του ντουζ.

Η πόρτα του ντουζ τώρα έχει μεντεσέδες και είναι στη θέση της τουλάχιστον πέντε χρόνια πράγμα που σημαίνει άλφον) έχουν μαζέψει οι μεντεσέδες άλατα και δε βγαίνει εύκολα και βήτον) κανένας στο σπίτι μας δεν θυμάται πώς μπήκε και άρα πώς μπορεί να βγαίνει αυτή η πόρτα.

Μετά από υψηλές διαβουλεύσεις με τους δύο πατεράδες μας που είναι παλαίουρες μάστορες, εγώ πήγα να βάλω το ψάρι να ψήνεται (εντάξει, να πάρω τη μάνα και την αδελφή μου να κουτσομπολέψουμε) και ο Αντώνης έμεινε πάνω με το κατσαβίδι και σαρανταδύο αλενάκια να βγάλει την πόρτα με τον πεθερό μου στο facetime να δίνει οδηγίες.

Προφανώς μετά το “ναι πατέρα κατάλαβα” το επόμενο πράγμα που ακούστηκε ήταν το τζάμι να γίνεται χίλια κομμάτια και ο σκύλος του γείτονα να λυσσάει. Εγώ ψύχραιμη καθώς ήμουν σίγουρη ότι το τζάμι είναι ασφαλείας – το είχα δει σε ένα youtube βίντεο που είχε ανεβάσει μια μαστοράτζα από το Κεντάκι. Να μάθω να βγάζω την πόρτα δεν κατάφερα αλλά ότι δεν θα μας αποκεφαλίσει με είχε πείσει.

Τί ζούμε!

Αφού βεβαιώθηκα ότι ο νόμιμος σύζυγος και πατέρας του εμβρύου επιβίωσε (ανάθεμα το τζάμι ασφαλείας γιατί κόπηκε σε δύο τρία σημεία, ευτυχώς όχι απαραίτητα για την περαιτέρω παραγωγή απογόνων) δεν βοήθησα καθόλου να μαζέψουμε γιατί έχω και την κοιλιά στο στόμα.

Τώρα βέβαια θα μου πεις, γιατί μωρή έγκυος γυναίκα εσύ και εξαντλημένος υποστηρικτής της ορμονικής σου κατάστασης ο άλλος αποφασίσατε να βγάλετε την πόρτα του ντουζ; Α μα εκεί είναι το κλου παιδάκια.

Αυτή η γαμωπόρτα δεν είχε τους μεντεσέδες στην άκρη της αλλά πάνω-κάτω προς τη μέση με αποτέλεσμα αντί το άνοιγμα της να είναι όσο το πλαίσιο της, ήταν πολύ μικρότερο. Και εγώ, η Αγία Εγκυμονούσα με τη λάμψη της ορμόνης *ΔΕ ΧΩΡΟΥΣΑ ΠΛΕΟΝ ΝΑ ΠΕΡΑΣΩ ΓΙΑΤΙ Η ΚΟΙΛΙΑ ΜΟΥ ΕΧΕΙ ΓΙΝΕΙ ΗΔΗ ΥΔΡΟΓΕΙΟΣ ΚΑΙ ΔΕΝ ΕΧΩ ΚΛΕΙΣΕΙ ΚΑΝ ΤΟΝ ΕΒΔΟΜΟ*.

Οπότε επειδή τελειώνει το καλοκαίρι και δεν μπορώ να βγαίνω να πλένομαι με το λάστιχο στην αυλή έπρεπε να βγάλουμε την κωλοπόρτα για να βάλουμε μια κουρτίνα αλα ενοικιαζόμνο δωμάτιο σε Ελληνικό νησί για να περνάω εγώ και ο σπόρος του γίγαντα που φαίνεται ότι κουβαλάω. Η δουλειά μας έγινε, η πόρτα βγήκε, γλιτώσαμε και το πού θα την αποθηκεύσουμε γιατί το συζητάγαμε όλη την εβδομάδα και δεν είχαμε καταλήξει.

Αυτά συμβαίνουν, για να ξέρετε πόσο μαγικές στιγμές περνάει κάποιος με την εγκυμοσύνη.

196 σκέψεις σχετικά με το “Μερεμετάκια vol. I”

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