Τοπ 5 μεγάλα μωρουδιακά σουξέ – μήνες 0 έως 3

Πριν το κάνεις το μωρό κοιτάς γύρω σου τους γονείς και αναρωτιέσαι γιατί ασχολούνται τόσο επισταμένα με τόσο μικρά πράγματα. Αφού το κάνεις το μωρό λούζεσαι τα πάντα (and then some). Κι εφόσον εδώ προσφέρουμε κοινωνικό έργο, τσάκω τα μεγάλα σουξέ ηλικίας μηδέν με 3- με τα οποία θα ασχοληθείς κι εσύ οπωσδήποτε – για να ‘χεις να πορεύεσαι.

Νούμερο 5: Οι σκατούλες

via GIPHY

Ποτέ στη ζωή σου δεν έχεις ασχοληθεί τόσο πολύ με σκατούλες – εκτός ας πούμε αν έχεις πολύ συγκεκριμένα σεξουαλικά γούστα. Το χρώμα, η υφή, το πόσο συχνά χέζει το σπλάχνο σου – όλα έχουν τη σημασία τους διότι στα μικρά μωρά κυρίως από τα σκατά καταλαβαίνεις αν κάτι δεν πάει καλά. Αν υποθέσουμε ότι το παιδί έχει και ίκτερο – που φεύγει με τη συνεχή μηχανή παραγωγής τάισμα, χέσιμο και επανάληψη – τότε το παιδί κλάνει και στο σπίτι σας κάνετε πάρτυ.

Σε ρωτάει ο γιατρός στο τηλέφωνο “είναι φυσιολογικά τα κακάκια του;” ΠΟΥ ΝΑ ΞΕΡΩ ΡΕ ΝΤΟΚΤΟΡΑ, πρώτο παιδί είναι γαμώ το κερατάκι μου, δεν έχω εκατό άλλα για να κάνω τη σύγκριση. Δεν το πίστευα ποτέ ότι στη ζωή μου θα κάθομαι να ασχολούμαι με το να ψάχνω ΦΩΤΟΓΡΑΦΙΕΣ ΑΠΟ ΣΚΑΤΟΥΛΕΣ – ΜαΤηνΜπαναγία – για να δω αν το παιδί είναι καλά ή αν έχει κάποιο δάκο.

Νούμερο 4: Τα γραμμάρια

via GIPHY

Τέτοια εμμονή με το βάρος, ούτε η Τζίτζι η Χαντίντ παιδιά. Εμείς περάσαμε τρεις μήνες μεγάλη ταλαιπωρία γιατί το παιδί έπαιρνε μεν βάρος, έπεφτε δε στις καμπύλες (κάτι στατιστικά εκιά που σου χώνουν μες στη μούρη για να σου δείξουν αν το παιδί σου αναπτύσσεται ή αν το έχεις καταστρέψει για μια ζωή δίνοντας του σάπιο γάλα ξερωγω).

Γενικώς όλοι επιμένουν ότι κανένα παιδί δεν είναι ίδιο με το άλλο αλλά όλοι βγάζουν διαγνώσεις βασισμένοι σε κάποιο στάνταρ πράγμα που υποθέτει ότι όλα τα μωρά είναι ίδια. Δεν βγάζεις άκρη. Επειδή όμως κι εσύ βλέπεις αυτό το στατιστικό και το δικό σου το μωρό δεν είναι μέσα στο μέσο όρο μπορείς και να το ξετινάξεις στις εξετάσεις. Όταν πρότεινα στον Αντώνη να αγοράσουμε ζυγαριά για το σπίτι πάτησε πόδι και καλά έκανε ο άνθρωπος γιατί θα ζύγιζα το μωρό τρεις φορές τη μέρα και θα είχα αποτρελαθεί.

Κατά τα άλλα βρίσκεσαι να ζυγίζεις το παιδί και να περιμένεις τα αποτελέσματα λες και περιμένεις τα αποτελέσματα από τις Πανελλήνιες. Έβαλε πολύ, έβαλε λίγο, πάμε καλά, δώσε συμπλήρωμα, θήλαζε δώδεκα φορές τη μέρα… καταλάβαμε.

Νούμερο 3: Τα νυχάκια

via GIPHY

Από την ώρα που το μωρό βγαίνει από την κοιλιά ασχολείσαι συνέχεια με τα νύχια του τα οποία ΕΙΝΑΙ ΜΑΚΡΙΑ λες και παιδί είναι ο Νοσφεράτου και κυνηγάει καμία παρθένα με νεγκλιζέ. Συνέχεια γδέρνει τη μούρη του, το κεφάλι του, το βυζί σου κλπ γιατί αυτά δεν είναι νύχια είναι τσουγκράνες.

Το αξιοπερίεργο είναι ότι οι περισσότερες μάνες φοβούνται να τα κόψουν και ή φοράνε γαντάκια στο παιδί ή καταλήγει να είναι σαν το Ρόκυ κατόπιν αγώνα με τον Απόλλο Κρίντ. Εμείς είχαμε πάρει το ειδικό ψαλιδάκι μαζί μας στο νοσοκομείο κι ήταν ένα από τα πρώτα πράγματα που έκανα σε φάση φροντίδα του μωρού – περιέργως το να του κόβω τα νύχια με έκανε να νιώσω ότι θα τα βρούμε και θα τα καταφέρω.

Από εκείνη την πρώτη στιγμή και μετά ετοιμαστείτε να ασχολείστε με τα νύχια του ΣΥΝΕΧΕΙΑ – μιλάμε μεγαλώνουν με ανησυχητικούς ρυθμούς.

Νούμερο 2: Το πρόγραμμα

via GIPHY

Γενικώς ειπείν όλοι έχουν μια αποψάρα για το πώς λειτουργούμε με το μωρό και η δική τους είναι η καλύτερη ενώ η δική σου είναι πάντα λάθος. Άι σχολαί είναι κυρίως οι παρακάτω:

  1. Αυστηρό πρόγραμμα: όπου το μωρό τρώει, χέζει και κοιμάται με το ρολόι κι εσύ επίσης.
  2. Χαλαρό πρόγραμμα: όπου το μωρό κι εσύ έχετε ένα χαλαρό προγραμματάκι για το πότε τρώτε, χέζετε και κοιμάστε αλλά είστε πιο η θεία μου η χίπισσα.
  3. Κανένα πρόγραμμα: όπου το μωρό κάνει ο,τι θέλει ο,τι ώρα θέλει.

Η μία σχολή δε γουστέρνει την άλλη – είναι κάπως σαν Ολυμπιακός – Παναθηναϊκός με τους Κανένα Πρόγραμμα να είναι τα τρελά Παόκια που αλαλάζοντας σπάνε τα αυτοκίνητα με Αθηναϊκές πινακίδες.

Όποια σχολή κι αν ακολουθείς ετοιμάσου να συζητάς και να αναλύεις ΜΕ ΛΕΠΤΟΜΕΡΕΙΕΣ όλη σου τη μέρα, όπως το πότε έχεσε το παιδί, πόση ώρα το ταχταρίζεις για να ρευτεί, στα πόσα λεπτά μετά το τάισμα κοιμάται κλπ, σε μία απελπισμένη προσπάθεια να βάλεις μια τάξη στο χάος.

Νούμερο 1: Το φαγάκι

via GIPHY

(Αυτό το gifάκι παιδιά μου το βλέπουν οι νέοι γονείς και θέλουν να τα σπάσουν όλα. ΚΑΝΕΝΑΣ ΓΟΝΙΟΣ ΠΟΤΕ δεν είναι έτσι όταν πρόκειται για το φαί του παιδιού.)

Το φαί είναι το μεγάλο θέμα και πρόβλημα – το μεγαλύτερο σουξέ του παιδιού σου – καθότι θέλουμε να ζήσει. Ξεκινάμε από τα βασικά δηλαδή.

Έλα μου όμως που σε γενικές γραμμές (και σε αντίθεση με αυτά που υποστηρίζουν διάφορες ταγαροφέρουσες σύμβουλοι βίγκαν) δεν ξέρουν όλα τα παιδιά να τρώνε με το που γεννιούνται. Και γιατί να το ξέρουν άλλωστε, εφόσον εννιά μήνες καταπίναν τα ούρα τους και έπλεαν χωρίς θεματάκια επίσης στα ούρα τους. Και ξαφνικά τα βγάζεις στο κρύο και στο φως και τους χώνεις μια ρόγα στο στόμα – φυσιολογικό είναι να περάσει σοκ το βρέφος.

Θηλάζεις; Ετοιμάσου για το γολγοθά της ματωμένης ρόγας και της απελπισίας. Δίνεις φόρμουλα; Ετοιμάσου για το γολγοθά του εικοσάλεπτου για να ετοιμάσεις μπουκάλι ενώ το παιδί σπαράζει. Χώρια τα ρεψίματα, εμετούληδες, σάλια, κλάμματα και λοιπά όμορφα.

Στο παρελθόν έχουμε ασχοληθεί σε τούτο το blog με το saga του θηλασμού από τη μεριά της μάνας και από τη μεριά του πατέρα – είναι τόσο μεγάλο το σουξέ που χρειάζεται ειδικά blog posts.

Το φαγάκι είναι το μεγαλύτερο σουξέ αυτής της ηλικίας γιατί μαθαίνετε ΌΛΟΙ ΜΑΖΙ κάτι που πρέπει να γίνεται 8 με 12 φορές την ημέρα, που είναι ανάγκη να πετύχει γρήγορα για να μην αφυδατωθεί ή πάθει τίποτα πιο σοβαρό το μωρό αλλά και κάτι για το οποίο κανείς δεν σας έχει προετοιμάσει.

Με το που βρίσκετε τον τρόπο και τα πάτε καλύτερα δε θέλω να χαλαρώνετε γιατί δεν είναι μακριά η ώρα που θα ξεκινήσουν οι κρεμούλες. Αλλά αυτά θα τα πούμε σε κάνα τρίμηνο.

 

[Κεντρική φωτογραφία: Angry Baby από τον χρήστη Andrew Curry στο flickr – Creative Commons License]

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  46. Hey there! This is kind of off topic but I need some help from an established blog. Is it tough to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast. I’m thinking about setting up my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? Cheers

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